HOLLYWOOD, CA — A popular movie star was quick to assure her legions of fans that she is living her very best life now as a gender-non-conforming person who appears as though her soul has been completely sucked out through her eyeballs.
"I'm happier than I've ever been," she said in a dull, monotonous voice reminiscent of her film performances. "It should be clear to everyone who sees me that I'm overflowing with love and enjoyment of life. I know exactly who I am, even though I'm unable to identify myself by any reasonable standard of gender or sexuality. Pay no attention to the fact that I look as though I am merely the empty, withered husk of a human being. I'm living my truth. Whatever that means."
"And I'm gay. That's gotta count for something."
The actress has shocked fans by gradually moving further and further away from the vibrant young actress she was at the start of her career, looking more and more like a joyless, world-ravaged shell as the years have worn on. "I never would have recognized her if you didn't tell me who it was," said one fan. "She was so beautiful back then. Now, she looks like the guy who sprayed my house for bugs last week. But, hey, she says she's happy, right?"
At publishing time, the actress had again stressed how happy, free, and fulfilled she was while checking herself into rehab.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
