Listen up, all you liberal snowflakes and leftist charlatans: You can argue all day long about global warming being real, using whatever so-called "facts" or "science" or "verifiable record temperatures" or "rising sea levels" you want. You can deny the fact that 99% of all pseudo-scientists and conspiracy experts believe that climate change is a hoax. You can deny the fact that what most people call global warming is really just a harmless part of the natural cycle leading up to the inevitable heat death of the universe. You can deny that maybe it's just really warm lately because some people (like my step-son Kevin) can't seem to stop leaving the windows open while the heater is on. But at the end of the day, there's one cold-hard fact even Bill Nye the quote-unquote "Science Guy" cannot deny:

Ice cream exists. It is here, it is real. Oh, and - by the way - it's delicious.

All your "data" and "consensus" melt away when faced with the truth. Oh, it's really warm lately? Well, scientifically, the heat melts cold things. So if it's so hot, how am I able to hold a frozen vanilla treat in a styrofoam-flavored cake cone and somehow get brain freeze? I mean, it's just common sense: Ice cream is cold; therefore, global warming is false.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not an unreasonable man. In fact, I'm completely open to the incredibly unlikely possibility that what I'm saying is incorrect. That's why I'll throw down the gauntlet here and now: If anyone can produce one single shred of evidence that ice cream does not exist, I'll apologize. I'll not only admit I'm wrong - I'll pack it in, quit my day job, and pursue a new career as a hair model.

Ice cream. Does it exist? Yes or no? It's a simple yes or no question. YES OR NO.  I'll wait.

Still trying to prove ice cream doesn't exist? You can't do it, can you? Because what the media elites don't want the world to know is that ice cream does exist and that it stands like a soft-serve torch, lighting the way to the truth that no amount of science can ever deny: ice cream is fact, and global warming is fiction. That, my friend, is three scoops of cold, uncompromising truth. Sorry for the truth-bomb headache.

Mic-drop! Whoop, I dropped my dang ice cream.