KANSAS CITY, MO — Global socio-political tensions climbed yet another step higher and civilization took one more step toward open war, as a local man pledged himself to do whatever may be necessary to defeat the existential threat posed by the enemies of Christendom.
Aaron Trigg pronounced the solemn vow to take his place among other men of valor despite the fact that he suffers from crippling carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists due to logging an impressive 583 hours playing Elden Ring.
"I am ready to take up arms in another crusade," Trigg said. "We have allowed the scourge of Mohammedanism to sully far continents for far too long. My brothers… my countrymen… my fellow men of faith… let us join with each other now and rid the earth of all of these — OW! Man, my wrist really hurts. Ever since I reached level 501 with my prophet I have trouble using all of my fingers, but I'm ready to fight, you heathen barbarians!"
Though he claimed to be prepared to participate in a modern crusade, Trigg's friends were skeptical. "A crusade? Like in real life? I don't know about that," said James Brandt, who claimed to be Trigg's closest friend though they had never met in person and only communicated on Fortnite. "Aaron is very passionate about matters of faith and politics, I'll give him that. But he rarely leaves his basement. Heck of an Elden Ring player, though, my goodness."
At publishing time, Trigg had taken a brief break from Elden Ring to ice his aching wrists and unleash a chivalrous but vitriolic tirade on social media against any "so-called Christians" who refused to wield a weapon in the coming crusade.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
