U.S. — After skeptics questioned Kamala Harris's claim that she once worked at McDonald's, researchers have found evidence of her employment — and rapid promotion to shift manager — after a sordid affair with Mayor McCheese.
"It's now clear how Kamala was able to rise through the ranks from a lowly crew member at the fry station to running the entire restaurant in spite of her glaring incompetence," said Journalist Chet Cruggs, who broke the story. "This seems to be Harris's modus operandi at every place she has worked."
Mayor McCheese, the Mayor of McDonaldland who has an enormous cheeseburger for a head, vehemently denies the allegations. "My job maintaining the pristine beauty of McDonaldland's apple pie trees, thick shake volcanoes, and hamburger patches is difficult enough without wild and unfounded accusations of impropriety," he said. "I never had a sexual relationship with Shmoopie-poo, er, I mean... Kamala."
Eyewitnesses who knew Kamala at the time reported the couple taking extended breaks in the cooler and in the alleyway behind the restaurant. "They would always come back looking a little disheveled, with Mayor McCheese's cheeseburger bun head all askew and covered in lipstick" said one former employee. "We all knew what they were doing back there."
At publishing time, sources had also uncovered evidence of an extended work relationship Kamala had with Grimace.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
