DOVER, DE — The Jasper household reported earlier today that Roger Jasper, a father of five, had begun desperately praying for Christ's return before he had to do "The Talk" with his 13-year-old son Nolan.

Sources say that Roger's desperate pleas for the Second Coming began within a few seconds of his wife Jillian throwing him a significant glance and saying "Honey, don't you think it might be time for you and Nolan to have a little...chat about things?"

Sweat reportedly broke out on Roger's brow and he began fervently to pray that Christ might come like a thief in the night, as long as thieves in the night are swift and speedy and would come before he and Nolan actually managed to sit down to have "The Talk."

"I cried out to the Lord in my distress," Roger began hopefully, peering up at the sky and getting down on one knee just in case. "And he heard my prayer. Maranatha, Lord Jesus, quickly come! Like, now...please? I'm just asking for this one teeny little thing, Lord? Pleeeaaasseee? Please come. Now. Like, before Nolan gets any older. I'm really begging you!"

The Almighty Lord has, in His providence, not yet seen it fit to answer Roger's prayer in the affirmative.

At publishing time, Roger was last seen doing his duty as a good father and really awkwardly telling his son about "the wonderful way in which birds and bees are...well...do you know what I'm saying, son?"

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