SHREVEPORT, LA — According to sources, local husband and father Ben Arnold converted to the Jehovah's Witness religion in a daring gambit to avoid putting up Christmas lights this season.
"Sorry, no can do," Arnold told his wife. "I'm a J-Dub now. We don't celebrate Christmas."
Margaret Arnold, for her part, was reportedly suspicious that her husband had converted solely to get out of the manual labor that comes with hanging Christmas lights. She allegedly quizzed her husband about the beliefs of the Jehovah's Witnesses to make sure he was being genuine. Unfortunately, she had to check all his answers against Wikipedia, and she couldn't be sure he hadn't studied up on them by the same means.
"What is something only a Jehovah's Witness would know?" she asked aloud before delivering a crippling blow. "Ah ha! Explain the 1914 prophesy to me."
Arnold later admits he briefly panicked because no one alive even understands the 1914 prophecy. But he was able to save himself by thinking quickly: "I didn't say I was a good Jehovah's Witness. I'm just a baby convert, honey. I'll learn all that stuff some day."
His wife, frustrated, left him alone in his heresy. Witnesses report the man reclined back in his chair, satisfied he would never have to hang up Christmas decorations again.
At publishing time, Arnold's gambit had backfired as his wife cleverly decided to convert so as not to have to celebrate his birthday this year.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
