EDINBURGH — Historians at the revered University of Edinburgh have announced new findings that have led them to believe God chose Aaron to speak to Pharaoh because Moses talked like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
"This explains a lot," said Ian McTavish, Professor of Divinity at the university. "It has often been speculated that Moses suffered from some type of speech impediment, but our recent research has now caused us to think he just had a voice that was raspy and incredibly difficult to listen to. God, in His omniscience, knew that voice was a no-go."
As support for this new theory, the research team cited recently discovered ancient texts that contain indications that God's plan all along was to utilize a surrogate speaker due to the challenges listeners would face when hearing Moses speak on his own. "In God's conversations with Moses at the burning bush," Professor McTavish continued, "you can almost hear the Lord wincing whenever Moses began talking. We know today what that's like when we hear Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. speak. Can you imagine having to hear entire State of the Union addresses from him? We'd all be jumping off of bridges."
In His foresight, the research team says, God dodged a similar bullet by enlisting Moses's brother to do the talking for him.
At publishing time, RFK Jr.'s supporters were relieved to learn that he had heard about the findings of the study and would be hiring Academy Award-winning actor Morgan Freeman to give all of his speeches for him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
