BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called "gender affirming care" making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath "Mutilate Kids For Money."

While genital mutilation of small children was once frowned upon as barbaric and sadistic, Harvard Medical School has resumed the practice after realizing they can make a truckload of cash. "Sure, I had my doubts about performing invasive surgery on a completely healthy young girl that would render her infertile and permanently scarred," said obstetrician Dr. Francis Grimstad. "But then, I realized that I could make a lot of cash. Who cares how much I hurt children if I can buy a house in Martha's Vineyard? Bring me another defenseless little girl and my scalpel!"

The school decided it was therefore time to replace the antiquated Hippocratic Oath with one that better reflects the school's values. "Back in the dark ages of medicine, ignorant doctors would make a solemn pledge to 'do no harm'," said the president of Harvard Medical School, Daemon Pazuzu. "Luckily, we have now become enlightened to the real purpose of medicine: making money by permanently mutilating defenseless children, while we pat ourselves on the back for being good people."

While clinics performing permanent child mutilation have already begun to close in other countries as the harms become well-documented, Harvard has doubled down on its commitment to physically and psychologically traumatizing children. "As we see gender clinics across the globe closing, it only underscores how much we need to indoctrinate young physicians to hurt children," said Dr. Pazuzu. "If you don't catch them as medical students, they may actually learn how to read medical research, or develop some form of a conscience. Anyone with a brain knows these gender clinics will inevitably be shut down two decades from now by an avalanche of lawsuits from the kids we mutilated - but until then, we are dedicated to hurting as many children as we can."

At publishing time, the ghost of Hippocrates was dearly looking forward to the day of reckoning when all those who intentionally harm others will finally be stripped of the title "physician."

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.