WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.
"When our mole inside Mar-a-Lago told us that President Trump secured the Mind Stone, we couldn't afford to delay — we knew he had already acquired the Power, Space, Reality, Soul, and Time stones, and we had to treat the situation with urgency." Justice Department head Merrick Garland took the stand today to defend the raid on the former President's house, saying that the "bad optics" were a small price to pay compared with the imminent threat of a fully-functional gauntlet wielded by such a formidable opponent.
Garland's address was characterized by some as defensive and flustered, and sources say he "lashed out" when reporters from the New York Post pressed him on who the source was and why he believed a story that seemed unlikely. "I will not stand by silently when the integrity of these brave men and women is unfairly attacked — the risk was legitimate. With a completed infinity gauntlet, Trump could wipe out half of all voters with a snap of his huge fingers!"
Over the past few months, former President Donald Trump has posted cryptic messages on his social media company Truth Social, which some commentators have taken as veiled threats. "You could not live with your failure, not-Supreme-Court-"Justice" Garland, and where did that bring you? Back to me, the best President since Lincoln." Other Truths included "A soul for a soul?? That sounds like the best trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever" and "Perfectly balanced, as all things should be," though some have noted that he posted the latter message while feeling out a new 9-iron on his golf course.
At publishing time, Garland had already changed his story on his trumped-up reason for the raid, saying that through a miscommunication, the FBI's mole inside Mar-A-Lago promising dirt on Trump was discovered to be a literal mole.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
