NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
"CNN has been good to me, but after 20 years, it's time for me to beat it," said Toobin in his final broadcast with the company. "This has been a period of growth for me, but I‘m ready to stretch myself even further and practice some self-love. My tenure at CNN has truly been a pleasure."
As Toobin completed his touching sendoff, his CNN comrades gathered around to offer their best wishes. "What a happy ending!" he exclaimed.
Speculation abounds as to which opportunity Toobin will grab next after his release from CNN, but several rumors suggested he's been picked up by The Daily Wire.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
