Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot.
- She says, "Hey, I'm mad at you right now" - If you listen carefully, you can pick up on this vague hint.
- Above your house is a skywriter currently forming the words "I'm mad at you" - Keep a keen eye out for this understated red flag.
- A toaster is currently hurtling towards your head - A good example of what psychologists like to call a "non-verbal" cue.
- She says, "Everything is fine", but she is weeping and pounding her fists on a couch pillow - Eh, probably nothing since she said everything is fine.
- She's currently chasing you around the dining room table with a meat tenderizer - Usually a bad sign, unless you're running away from her with a bag of meat.
- She unsubscribed from your podcast - Women can be so hurtful when they're upset.
- She burnt the meatloaf, which is normal, but there are also razor blades - This may be the right time to ask your wife about any bottled-up emotions she needs to express.
- She drove a tent spike through your head while you were sleeping and is now in prison - You know, maybe go ahead and check in with her if she says her favorite Bible verse is Judges 4:21.
- You're just sitting there playing Warzone on your Xbox and she walks over and "accidentally" trips on the cord and says, "Oops, sorry, Steve" and you're like, "MICHELLE I KNOW YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE" and Michelle--or whatever your wife's name is--just shrugs all innocently but you just KNOW for a fact that she KNEW you were in the top 5 and just about to score a solo victory Royale and DID IT ON PURPOSE to get back at you for the time you tossed out her prized VHS tapes with the BBC Pride and Prejudice series while you were cleaning out the garage making room for a snowboard you found at Pollys Secondhand Treasures thrift store on Slauson Ave even though she was all, "When are you gonna snowboard Steve, you get out of breath just walking up the stairs!" - We're pretty positive about this one, but we'll see how the evening plays out and get back to you.
Ah, women. We'll never be able to fully plumb the depths of their complexity, but perhaps these helpful hints will alert you the next time you've raised the ire of your bride.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.