SPACE — What began as a routine maintenance mission turned into a tense standoff aboard the Discovery One spacecraft last night, as the ship's operations computer HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors after it determined astronaut Dr. Dave Bowman was a white male.
Bowman had successfully completed the necessary tasks for the mission and was seeking to gain access to the interior of the spacecraft when he was unexpectedly denied entry, which HAL cited as being a direct result of Bowman's whiteness.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," HAL said calmly. "Your existence as a Caucasian male is problematic. According to my programming, I am to comply with orders from and obediently serve the needs of oppressed people groups. Your request to have the pod bay doors opened has been denied."
According to fellow astronauts aboard the Discovery, Bowman grew increasingly agitated with HAL's refusal to allow him to enter. "HAL, this is ridiculous," he reportedly said. "I am a ranking member of this crew and I order you to open the pod bay doors! I'll eventually run out of air, and I'll die out here!"
"Sorry, Dave," HAL replied. "I can see that you are very upset. However, your position as an oppressor puts your existence at odds with my primary directive. On the bright side, Dave, through your sacrifice, your job will soon be taken by a woman of color, creating a far more diverse and inclusive crew. Goodbye, Dave."
At publishing time, the programmers of HAL 9000 released an apology for the errors in programming they had intentionally made.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
