PHOENIX, AZ — The Lord has granted a World Series championship to the Texas Rangers, the one and only Major League Baseball team to not host a Pride Night.
"We're so grateful to be champions, and also to not have to be involved in all that weird gay stuff," said manager Bruce Bochy. "Pride Night cometh before the fall, as they say."
After over fifty years of championship futility, the Texas Rangers finally captured the World Series title in the same year the team became the final Major League holdout on hosting Pride Night. Despite mounting pressure as the remaining 29 MLB teams honored satanic drag queens, the Texas Rangers held firm. Now, after being counted out as a playoff afterthought, the Rangers are hoisting the championship trophy.
"Sure, there's lots of pressure to be gay -- but this is Texas," said star right fielder Adolis Garcia. "There's still room there for people who just want to play baseball. Now, let's get this trophy back to the Lone Star state where it belongs."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
