SANDWICH, IL — A new chapter of life was set to begin for one local father, as sources in Heaven confirmed that God was excitedly waiting to press the "Destruct" button on the man's 40-year-old body.
Greg Landers had made it through the first four decades of his life relatively unscathed from a physical standpoint, even regularly engaging in exercise and recreational sports in addition to a standard amount of physical activity in and around the house. That, however, was about to suddenly change.
"They never see it coming," said a spokesangel as a crowd gathered around a monitor in Heaven to watch Landers' body start its arduous descent into chronic pain and discomfort. "They think they're going to feel young and spry their whole lives. But as soon as they hit 40, God gives them a dose of reality. Every time."
It was at this point that Landers stooped down to tie one of his running shoes for a light jog around the block. In Heaven, God sovereignly chose that moment to hit the "Destruct" button on Landers' body, causing him to grunt in unexpected pain. "Argh!" he said, grabbing for his lower back. "Good grief! Where did that come from? Man. Ow…"
He then hobbled awkwardly out for his jog, which would soon become a brisk walk due to aching in his knees and ankles that wasn't there before.
At publishing time, Landers had already placed an Amazon order for new orthopedic shoes and a back brace, fully embracing his new life.
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