ORLANDO, FL — The mass closings of Red Lobster seafood restaurants around the nation have left many raw and emotional. While customers are mourning the fact that they'll now have to get their seafood from Long John Silver's, sources close to Red Lobster claim the downsizings have left staff scarred and grieving as well.
According to eyewitnesses, a sobbing Red Lobster chef was seen shooing his beloved lobsters off into the woods with loud wailing and cries of "Go on, git! Be free! Get outta here!" followed by volleys of rocks.
"Go on! You're free now! What are you waiting for? Git!" cried the chef to an unmoving and unblinking lobster near the treeline behind the restaurant.
"The whole scene was incredibly touching," recalls Aaron Billingson, who witnessed it all first-hand. "Most of the lobsters left immediately - if reluctantly - but one just kept coming back to the chef. It would lay its antennae on his shoes with a pleading look, then he'd have to start pushing it away and weeping again. It was tragic."
Johnson claimed that the Red Lobster chef had been forced to send the crustacean away two or three times before resorting to half-heartedly tossing rocks at his former compadre to shoo him away. The lobster was unable to be reached for comment.
At publishing time, the chef had been seen drying his eyes with a handkerchief after dumping a tank with a seemingly endless number of shrimp into the ocean.
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