JANESVILLE, WI — Local wife Karinne Clobert was reportedly having one of those days, according to neighbors, when she made the thoughtful decision to take scissors to her hair in front of the bathroom mirror, confident that cutting her own bangs would solve all of her problems.
Update: Oh no, It did not, in fact, solve any problems and actually created another, huge problem.
"I never imagined placing dull scissors in my untrained hand while feeling emotionally distraught would lead to such a disaster," wept Clobert to other members of the Support Group for Wives Who Thought Cutting Their Bangs Would Solve All Problems. "Not only does my hair look worse, but I still feel fat and have spider veins!"
Since ancient times, the wisdom that women could cut their own bangs to fix everything has inexplicably been passed down from mother to daughter for numerous generations. And so, it has become an instinctive passage of womanhood to funk up their beautiful locks only to experience immediate, crushing regret and a solemn vow to never put scissors to their hair ever, until they do it again in 2-3 years.
At publishing time, Karinne Clobert's husband had returned home from work to see his stunningly beautiful wife crying for no reason.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
