BLOOMINGTON, MN - Little Sally Perkins was excited to go to the mall and ask Santa for a Barbie doll set, but she ran away in tears when the progressive Santa at the mall just began lecturing her on harmful gender stereotypes.

"Girls who play with Barbies are reinforcing patriarchal norms of gender - ho ho ho!" he said with a jolly laugh. "Now, you're on the naughty list. Well, you were already on the naughty list because you're white. The only way to move to the nice list is to repent of your privilege and try for the rest of your life to do better. Oh, and hope you don't get canceled, because then you've got to start all the way at the bottom of the naughty list again."

"Ho ho ho!"

Perkins ran away crying, which Santa later said was a sign of her privileged, internalized misogyny and white fragility. "To deny you are hatefully perpetuating gender stereotypes that oppress women is a sign of your complicity with patriarchal norms and the subjugation of women."

At publishing time, little Billy Perkins had sat on Santa's lap and asked for a Tonka truck, triggering a three-hour lecture.