U.S.—The nation's CEOs sent letters, emails, and tweets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez this week, begging her to start a boycott against them.
"Please boycott us, AOC!" shouted the CEO of Bush's Beans, ambushing the representative outside the Capitol Building. "We have 'Bush' like literally right in the name! We're terrible! We're MAGA scum! Notice us!!!"
"We like Trump too!" said the CEO of Tempur-Pedic after somehow breaking into Ocasio-Cortez's office. "Look, I'm even wearing a cross like the MyPillow guy. Chant it with me: boycott! Boycott! Boycott!"
The CEOs tweeted out in support of Trump, tagging AOC in their posts, with many replying to everything she posted on Twitter to try to get her attention. They are stalking her in the streets, following her to her posh D.C. apartment, and leaving increasingly deranged voicemails in hopes of triggering a boycott.
Ever the capitalist entrepreneur, Ocasio-Cortez is now offering to boycott any business for a special introductory rate of just $50,000.