Gavin Newsom Quickly Bans High-Capacity Assault High Heels
U.S. · Nov 9, 2023 ·

SACRAMENTO, CA — Shortly after watching the third GOP primary debate, California governor and dictator aficionado Gavin Newsom immediately called for a ban on high-capacity assault high heels from his remote office in The French Laundry.

This new ban on high-capacity assault high heels comes in response to GOP primary candidate Nikki Haley's bold-and-not-weird-at-all claim that her high heels were, "Not for a fashion statement. They're for ammunition."

"Any high heel over three inches that can carry more than one bump stock in its magazine chamber is hereby banned in the good state of California forthwith and withforth, so be it," Declared Newsom to a crowd of journalists who appeared to be cowering in fear at the prospect of conservatives attacking them with their high-capacity high heels.

The National Rifle Association quickly responded, stating the ban was unconstitutional according to the 2nd amendment and another, less well-known amendment regarding women's footwear fashion. The NRA then called on all of its members to fight government overreach by wearing high heels while shooting their guns in the air just like the founding fathers intended.

Florida governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis also responded with a statement blasting Newsom, "What's the deal with everyone talking about high heels and stuff? I mean it's really no big deal if anyone wears heels on shoes or boots or lifts or got femur-lengthening surgery last month or whatever."

At publishing time, Nikki Haley had responded to Newsom's ban by invading California.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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