GRAPEVINE, TX—According to market experts, magical and mysterious forces have somehow pushed GameStop's stock price up by 680% in January alone. Because of this incredible windfall, Gamestop has announced they will soon be able to afford to pay gamers up to 25 whole cents for their used games, up from their traditional offering of 3 cents.
"We pride ourselves in being the Blockbuster Video of video game stores," said CEO George Sherman. "But now, we are proud to say we are the Blockbuster Video of video game stores that can put cold, hard cash in your pocket!"
Starting next week, gamers will be able to bring their PS4, a copy of The Last Of Us: Remastered, Bloodborne, and the entire library of Call of Duty games, and walk home with enough money to get a delicious Slurpee at 7-Eleven and maybe a Hostess Ding Dong.
Investors are worried that people might soon figure out they can sell their games on Craigslist to someone in town for 20 or 30 dollars, and if that happens, it will be all over for GameStop.
"Nonsense!" replied Sherman. "We continue to put our faith in the magical forces of stock market money and viral Reddit posts. What can go wrong?"
Officials in the company are not worried either, saying that if the video game business goes down the tubes, they can always fall back on selling CBD oil.