WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning repudiation of Trump's COVID plan, Biden has announced he will throw out masking, vaccinations, and travel bans and replace them with masking, vaccinations, and travel bans.
"Trump didn't have a clue," said Biden to his nose hair trimmer during his bedtime routine. "We're gonna do it better by continuing to do the exact same thing, but as a Democrat administration. That's the one thing that's been missing this whole time."
"This is such a refreshing change," wept Brian Stelter to the cashier of the local ice cream shop. "Finally-- some competent leadership we can trust. Trump's masking didn't work, his vaccinations were bad and his travel bans were racist and xenophobic! We haven't tried doing these exact same things under Biden, which I know will work much better." Stelter then dove face-first into an ice cream sundae to help him deal with the overwhelming emotions of the moment.
"It's so good to know we're safe, wrapped up in the gentle arms of Joe Biden," said Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. "Masking, vaccinations, and travel bans somehow feel so much warmer and cuddlier under Biden."
According to sources, media outlets have already prepared their pieces declaring Joe Biden's victory over the Coronavirus. They are set to release once the Chinese government gives the green light.