LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local dad Matt Carver has found his commitment to doing "Dry January" severely tested by a game of Candy Land with his three-year-old daughter Kaitlyn.
After thrice nearly reaching King Kandy, only to be sent backwards due to an ill-timed peppermint, Carver's dedication to an alcohol-free month began to waver.
"If I have to go through Peanut Acres one more time, so help me, I'm opening the bottle," said Carver. " I did not imagine there could be such pain as I am currently enduring. Another backwards fall past Lord Licorice? Just waterboard me already. I defy anyone to make it through one round of this while fully sober."
According to witnesses, Carver nearly caved after a mishap passing Gramma Nutt, but summoned the will to put down the bottle. "Hope came back to his eyes when Kaitlyn got a peanut card. There was light at the end of the proverbial Lollipop Forest," said Carver's wife Misty. "It was not to be... doomed by an ice cream cone. I think Matt's about to crack."
At publishing time, Carver's month of sobriety had been narrowly saved by his stacking the deck while Kaitlyn took a potty break.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
