NUUK — Greenland has descended into panic after U.S. Secretary of State was photographed donning a heavy parka.
Fresh off assuming control over the interim government of Venezuela, Rubio's choice of clothing appeared to signal his imminent takeover of the island territory.
"We're doomed," said local Greenlander Nanoq Olsen, staring at the image of Rubio. "Seeing Rubio in a parka is like seeing the Mongol hordes descending upon your village. There is no escape once that man sets his sights on you. Greenland will have no choice but to yield to Lil' Marco."
While the citizenry has abandoned any hope of resisting Rubio, the Danish government, which controls the territory, has vowed to fight. "We will dispatch our most elite speedskaters at once," said Denmark's Secretary of Defense Troels Poulsen. "While not terribly effective in combat, they are super fast at skating in circles. Anyway, it's all we have as far as a military. Lace up, boys!"
At publishing time, the citizens of Swaziland had also begun panicking after Rubio was photographed wearing a calfskin loincloth.
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