CORUSCANT — Controversial former U.S. women's soccer player Megan Rapinoe was not unemployed for long, as the Galactic Empire reportedly recruited the recently retired athlete to train its stormtroopers to shoot.
"She's the perfect fit for the job," said General Cassio Tagge of the move. "The Empire has carried on a long tradition of poor marksmanship. It is one of the bedrocks of everything we have built in the galaxy. Bringing Megan Rapinoe on staff to train new troops will ensure that tradition continues. If anyone knows about missing important shots, it's this dude with the funny-colored hair."
Imperial leadership had grown concerned in recent months after new classes of stormtroopers were reportedly hitting their targets with an increased rate of accuracy. "Word came down directly from Emperor Palpatine himself," Tagge continued. "He will not tolerate stormtroopers being able to consistently hit what they're aiming at. He was the one who suggested hiring Megan Rapinoe in the first place. We'll have our infantry back to being totally inept and incapable of hitting any of their shots in no time."
Though Rapinoe was unavailable for comment, reports from sources say working for the Empire is a dream come true for the soccer star. "She's fully on board with everything the Empire stands for," said the unnamed source. "Spreading evil throughout the galaxy is what she's all about."
At publishing time, Rapinoe was already in hot water with imperial leadership as she demanded to be paid as much as Darth Vader.
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