WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Democrats have recruited a professional puppeteer to assist 90-year-old Dianne Feinstein by moving her dead limbs and speaking for her whenever needed, according to sources. Feinstein is now expected to retain her senate seat forever.
"Wow! She's so lifelike now!" exclaimed Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "And she tells great jokes!"
The person who operates Feinstein's lifeless husk made her say, "I'm not dead, I'm FINE-stein. HA HA!" He then pulled her strings in such a way as to make her perform a charming tap dance.
"Hilarious!" Schumer reiterated.
Republicans have been uncharacteristically supportive of Feinstein's new aide.
"Feinstein will live as long as the deep state has need of her," said a visibly emotional Mitch McConnell. "We may not always see eye to eye — especially now that she's unaware of anything happening around her — but seeing a master puppeteer control her body gives me hope that I, too, may continue to serve for a long...
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"It is the aspiring hope of all senators to be a puppet," he added.
At publishing time, Dianne Feinstein had thrilled DC audiences by introducing a bill on the Senate floor while performing "La Macarena."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
