Climate change is here. It is too late to reverse the changes. If only we had listened to Al Gore back in the day, we'd be flying around in wind-powered hovercrafts in a world without gasoline, pollution, or crime.
Man oh man. But it's too late for all that! So now we must suffer the consequences. Here are the 9 worst effects of climate change:
1. Tornadoes, which have never happened before in human history: Wind started spinning and made these crazy funnel things, which were totally unheard of since before this month. They named them "tornadoes" after Tornado Alley, which was discovered by Bob Tornado back in 1908.
2. Myocarditis: As the sea grows, so do human hearts. Weird!
3. Inflation: You can draw a perfect inverse correlation between global temperature levels and the value of the U.S. dollar. Coincidence?
4. White supremacy: The heat makes people racist. It's science. If you want to attack us for this idea, think twice. Because we represent science. Why do you hate science?
5. Trump?: We haven't thought this one all the way through, but Trump? Gotta be connected somehow.
6. God's Not Dead sequels: Before Al Gore warned us about climate change, there were zero God's Not Dead movies. Now there are over seventy. If only we had listened!
7. Biden being a terrible president: This is actually Trump's fault, because Trump didn't stop climate change, forcing Biden to be a bad president. Way to go, Trump!
8. The disastrous Afghanistan withdrawal: The heat made Biden and the generals make bad decisions. If only they'd had a nice, cold Pepsi to cool off with. This item brought to you by Pepsi-Cola.
9. Fyre Festival: Fire is right in the name, even though they spelled it wrong. Ja Rule did nothing wrong!
How do you feel about yourself now that you know that your contributions to climate change have caused all these things to happen? Go think about what you've done. With the heater off, of course.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.