DUBLIN — With outcries coming from various circles over humanitarian crises around the world, Irish President Michael Higgins made a stand and demanded that the United Nations take military action to protect the Shire.
Higgins issued his urgent plea for the UN to invoke Chapter 7, which would grant authorization for an international military coalition to step in and provide protection to all corridors through which the Shire received humanitarian aid.
"The Shire is under tremendous threat, and my fellow halflings need help," Higgins said in a statement. "I am hereby callin' on the United Nations to take immediate action and use military force t' restore the flow o' food and assistance t' my dear Shire folk. We're a simple people, after all. We love farmin' and gardenin' and eatin' good food and blowin' smoke rings. If the UN doesn't authorize military action, I'm afraid the Shire won't survive."
If necessary, Higgins even said that the UN should put together an international fellowship to find the One Ring and use it against those he believes to be the Shire's enemies. "I believe t'would be justified," he continued. "We can't be havin' other nations mistreatin' us halflings. If we can locate the One Ring, it may be helpful in destroyin' those who are out t' hurt us and impose our will on the rest o' Middle-earth… er, I mean, the world."
At publishing time, Higgins had cut his comments ot the media short after realizing he was late for his appointment to meet Gandalf the Gray for elevenses.
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