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Op-Ed
Free Speech Is Killing Us

Noxious speech is causing tangible harm to the best country on earth, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. 

Yet this fact implies a question so uncomfortable that many of us go to great lengths to avoid asking it. Namely, what should we — the government, private companies also owned by the government or the happy citizens of our republic — be doing about it?

The answer is obvious: we should have thought police. We should crush free speech so we can preserve order and a stable society and a benevolent government. We should curb speech in an effort to stop violence.

Violence is a real problem and a consequence of free speech. Can you imagine if people just said whatever they wanted? You'd have people mistrusting government. You might even start a violent revolution that overthrows the government, may Dear Leader forbid it! 

Using "free speech" as a cop-out is intellectually dishonest and morally bankrupt. Yes, free speech is a glorious pastime of our wonderful, prosperous empire, but it's not the only one. It must be held in tension with other values, such as equality, safety, good citizenship, worshiping me, and stamping out anyone who would be foolish enough to speak up against our utopia.

Look, I am not calling for repealing free speech entirely. What I'm arguing for is silencing those whose speech your majestic rulers---namely, me---find to be potentially seditious. Only when speech is carefully policed, with your betters determining what can be said and what cannot be said, can speech truly be "free."

Anyone disagreeing with this op-ed is welcome to submit complaints directly to the office of Kim Jong Un and also report to the nearest labor camp.

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