TALLAHASSEE, FL—The Florida Department of Transportation is rolling out new lanes especially for old people.
The lanes meander slowly back and forth, left to right, at an easy pace. They also restrict vehicles to 15 miles per hour or less, though FDT representatives say "you should just take it easy---whatever pace is good for you. No one's in a rush here."
Florida Highway Patrol officers warned they will be pulling over elderly drivers who break the 15 mile per hour speed limit, fail to have their turn signal on for no reason, or otherwise appear that their driving is unimpaired in some fashion.
"If you're driving down the road and you look like you know where you're going and what year it is, the new Elderly Driver Lanes are not for you," said an FHP officer. "These are strictly for our more advanced citizens who want to just mosey down the highway like they have nowhere to be and can't really remember if Jimmy Carter is still the president."
Senior citizens will need a special sticker to access the lane. Cars built in the '70s or '80s with a "Ronald Reagan for President" bumper sticker will be exempt from the stickering requirement.
FDT spokespeople said that elderly citizens should stick to the new lanes whenever possible: "Old people, stay in your lane."