WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Food and Drug Administration announced this week in a press release that they are investigating a possible correlation between vaping and looking like a "complete and total cheese bag."
Vaping is a practice that has risen in popularity in recent years among full-grown adults who don’t mind appearing as though they’re sucking on tiny juice boxes throughout the day, like children. In large part, the vaping trend’s momentum can be attributed to health concerns over much cooler-looking tobacco products. Many former smokers are making the health-conscious decision to break their addiction to the nicotine in cigarettes in favor of an addiction to the nicotine in vape juice.
Despite perceptions, the FDA reports that there are actually plenty of health-related reasons to be cautious about vaping, including 127 reported cases of seizures and an increased risk of getting punched in the face for looking like the kind of guy who defrauds the elderly. Plus, this reporter has a cousin who knew a guy who vaped while chewing a Mentos and his head exploded.
However, in the press release, the FDA made it clear that the primary focus of their investigation was about aesthetics, not health. Specifically, they hope to discover why such a high percentage of people who vape happen to look like man-babies. Does vaping attract a specifically uncomely demographic, or does vaping suddenly transform the user into the kind of person who looks like they would obnoxiously hit on the party princess at their niece’s 3rd birthday? If the investigation is successful, the answer may finally be within reach.