BARAD-DUR—Sauron has announced a new construction project for Mordor, which is an economic and military superpower nestled in the quaint, spider-infested hills to the east of Gondor.
The servant of Morgoth said the wall is to prevent one from simply walking into Mordor, pointing out that the land of Mordor has an "immigration crisis" as rumors of a caravan of nine members of a fellowship was headed his direction. He says the looming wall will run all the way around the natural mountainous barrier surrounding the country to ensure no "bad apples" get through.
"We are building a wall, and we're going to make the Free Peoples pay for it!" Sauron boomed at the event to guttural cheers. He raised his hands for silence. "They say they're sending their best, but the next thing you know they sneak two Hobbits through Cirith Ungol and commit an act of terrorism right in our midst." The Orcs cheered again. Things got rowdy. Several got pushed into some lava. There were more cheers. All in all, it was a "very successful presser," according to Sauron.
The leader of Mordor later pointed out that his "build the wall" event was well-attended.
"Look at all these Orcs. So many Orcs. I think this is the most Orcs that have ever gathered in front of my tower. Great crowd today!" Attendance at the event, of course, was mandatory, with Orcs who skipped getting thrown into the Cracks of Doom.
The projected completion date for the wall was pushed back when Sauron could not secure funding from Mordor Congress, though he says he will use an executive order to make it happen and then have his Nazgul eat the opposition.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.