SILVER SPRING, MD—The Food and Drug Administration has approved a promising new treatment for severe depression and crippling anxiety in Christians, consisting of having fellow believers tell the patient to “just have more faith in God.”
“Stop being so sad all the time” and “you need to give all that over to God” have also been approved as effective cures for the mental disorders, according to a statement given Wednesday.
“When the treatment was administered in clinical tests, subjects just suddenly decided to have more faith, and were instantly healed of their depressive disorders,” Janet Woodcock, Director of the Center for Drug Evaluation and Research told reporters.
“This will have long-lasting consequences for the way we look at medical depression in Christians.”
During trials, sufferers of depression were bombarded with judgmental statements like “Don’t you know that worry is a sin?” and “You need to pray it away.” Miraculously, patients’ attitudes were immediately changed, the chemicals in their brains having finally achieved the proper balance for to not feel as if they couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning anymore.
“Praise the Lord!” one newly healed believer told reporters. “I can’t believe I suffered for so long, when all along I could have just had more faith. Why didn’t I see it before? Ugh—so many wasted years.” The man further stated that he was disappointed in himself for living under a dark cloud of depression for years, when all along he just needed to “be joyful, man.”