CHICAGO, IL—After performing classic hymn A Mighty Fortress Is Our God perfectly while sight-reading off the musical notation found in his church’s last remaining hymnal during a midweek practice, recently hired worship leader Rob Ryder was apprehended by authorities on suspicion of involvement with the dark arts, sources confirmed Thursday.
“What is this sorcery?” the worship bassist whispered in horror as he watched Ryder translate the incomprehensible jumble of circles, lines, and other archaic symbols into a beautiful piano piece.
Slowly backing out of the room, the bass guitarist then ran to the church’s office to phone the police department.
“Yeah, I need you to send someone right away. Please hurry!” the bass player reportedly shouted into the phone after barricading the door to slow the dangerous warlock, should he decide to attack. “Yeah, it’s our worship leader—he’s reading music. I’m pretty sure he’s summoning some kind of demonic entity!”
Police and SWAT reportedly stormed the building just in time to witness the tail end of Ryder’s flawless run-through of Great Is Thy Faithfulness, and were able to chase him out the front door of the church and tackle him to the ground before booking him on charges of sorcery, sources confirmed.