WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Mark Zuckerberg leaked news that the FBI had instructed Facebook to censor posts about Hunter's laptop, the FBI immediately called Zuckerberg to tell him to censor any posts about that censorship.
"We cannot have news about us censoring people get out there uncensored," said FBI director Christopher Wray. "The solution to people being upset about us squashing a damaging story in order to tilt an election is quite simple: we squash that story as well, which will hopefully then tilt the next election. And if people then discover we censored the stories about censorship, we'll censor that too. This job is actually pretty easy."
According to Mr. Zuckerberg, the FBI had contacted him with a directive to be on the lookout for Russian misinformation which could help sway the election. "Then all of a sudden, here are 51 intelligence officials saying they're sure the Hunter laptop story is a Russian plot," said Mr. Zuckerberg. "As you can see, I was a total patsy! I got nothing out of it, except this sweet FBI windbreaker and a bag of crickets."
Although accused of using social media companies to vicariously control the narrative for political ends, the FBI maintains it is completely non-partisan. "The fact that we were dead wrong about Hunter's laptop being a Russian ploy does not mean we squashed the story for political purposes," said Director Wray. "Neither does the fact that we spent years trying to bury Trump under Russian collusion accusations that turned out to be fabricated. Or that we literally have targeted parents as terrorists if they fight liberal school indoctrination. Or that we are padding numbers to justify targeting domestic extremists, who happen to all be right-wing. Or that when a left-wing extremist literally tried to assassinate a Republican, we labeled it 'suicide by cop'. Or that a judge ruled we used bogus claims to wiretap people working for the Republicans' presidential campaign in 2016. "
At publishing time, the FBI had also requested Facebook squash stories from that terrible well of misinformation under the guise of satire, commonly known as the Babylon Bee.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
