TOKYO — Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced a new drug to fix the side effect from their last new drug, which was developed to fix the side effect from the one before that.
"Finally, relief for the massive hemorrhoids caused by our last medication is on the way," said Pfizer CEO Ronald Porter. "And with that last medication having basically solved the exploding spleen issue from the drug before that, we are really in business."
Pfizer had initially released the medication "Pytriq" to help treat mild cases of seasonal allergies. "Our studies showed excellent results, with less runny nose and cough. However, about half of the people on Pytriq experienced the sudden, violent explosion of their spleen," explained medical director Allan Watson. "Luckily, we developed a drug called 'Splenapril' which stopped the spleens from exploding. However, within days of starting Splenapril, people developed absolutely gargantuan hemorrhoids. Like, I could hang Christmas lights on these bad boys."
After discovering the hemorrhoid issue, Pfizer got right to work developing their newest product, "Analprotafib", which luckily can fix the hemorrhoids. "We are very excited about this. So excited, I haven't been able to sit down for weeks - which granted, is mostly because of the hemorrhoids," said Mr. Watson. "We will immediately begin selling all three medications in one convenient pack, for the low cost of seven thousand dollars per month."
At publishing time, Analprotafib was discovered to cause cerebrospinal fluid to come gushing out people's noses, which Pfizer will try to stop with its next drug.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: