Little-Known Tennis Player Novako Djomuñoz Takes U.S. Open By Storm
Sports · Aug 27, 2022 ·

NEW YORK - Unknown last-minute entrant Novako Djomuñoz has suddenly become the talk of the U.S. Open tennis tournament, showing world-class talent as he swept through qualifiers.

"I'm very proud of -- um, I mean, no habló inglés," said Mr. Djomuñoz after winning his last qualifying match 6-0, 6-0. He then threw on a sombrero and ran quickly out the exit.

Mr. Djomuñoz reportedly traveled on foot across the southern border of Texas just a week before the tournament began. "It's really an inspirational story," said commentator John McEnroe. "Djomuñoz comes in here with no racket, barely speaks a word of English, and is just blowing everyone away. He has a really incredible moustache to boot."

Before the newcomer, most of the conversation around the Open was regarding the United States denying entry to the best tennis player in the world over vaccine status. "We realize these are world-class athletes, and that vaccination status does not change the risk to those around them," said White House official Don Citron. "But no one has done a randomized controlled trial on COVID infection during a tennis match. What if you got the virus on the fuzzy ball and then served it 130 miles per hour and it hit a ball boy in the face? Would the COVID go directly into his brain? There are so many unknowns. You can't be too cautious."

At publishing time, Mr. Djomuñoz had dropped a set and weirdly started screaming in Serbian.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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