WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a standout performance in the FBI's latest work, Sharpie has landed a huge endorsement deal as the preferred highlighter of America's federal agents.
"We couldn't do our job protecting America without the incredible permanent markers made by Sharpie," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "From helping us black out coverage of Hunter's laptop, to hiding how we acted as a tool for Democrats to investigate fabricated 'Russian collusion' charges - Sharpie has been there every step of the way."
Experts now estimate that blacking out words with marker comprises about 87% of what federal agents do. In lieu of practicing for hostage situations, the FBI has agents-in-training sit in small cubicles and practice blacking out words for several hours per day. "Not everyone has what it takes to be a federal agent," said Director Wray. "You have to possess the fortitude to spend hour after hour, days at a time, just blacking out reports. It's mind-numbingly boring. Plus, we really like the lines to be straight. It takes a special talent."
With the FBI being its biggest customer by far, Sharpie executives said the endorsement deal was a no-brainer. "We can barely keep up production with the pace the Bureau goes through markers these days," said Sharpie CEO Stan Wiggins. "This relationship really solidifies that when the professionals want to cover their tracks, they trust Sharpie. So if people at home find themselves having encouraged a mass shooter and need their name expunged - we hope they will trust Sharpie as well."
The FBI did admit they are struggling to get agents to remember to stop blacking out everything when they leak classified documents to the New York Times.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
