WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to protect the safety and security of millions of Americans, the FBI has added itself to the FBI watchlist.
"When we reflected on the vast number of pedophiles, insurrectionists, frauds, and killers in our organization, we thought: 'Holy cow! Someone needs to keep an eye on these weirdos!'" said FBI Director Christopher Wray to reporters. "That's why today we have decided to place the FBI on the FBI watchlist so the FBI can keep a close eye on the FBI before the FBI does something terrible."
Congress is demanding oversight of the FBI's monitoring of the FBI, as the FBI has been known in the past to let the FBI get away with horrific crimes. The FBI in turn is monitoring the Congressional oversight committee in charge of overseeing the FBI's oversight of the FBI. "Americans shouldn't worry, we have this all under control," said Wray.
Critics of the move expressed concern this may hamper the FBI's ability to organize governor kidnapping schemes, insurrections, and mass shootings.
"Without the FBI at our disposal, we may have to turn to traditional partners such as the mafia to fight our political enemies," said one anonymous Washington bureaucrat. "What's the world coming to?"
At publishing time, the FBI announced they now have the FBI in custody. Unfortunately, they released the FBI from custody a few minutes later.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
