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Ever since Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement from the Supreme Court, the President has been feverishly sifting through binders full of black women in search of the next great SCOTUS nominee.
The Babylon Bee has received an exclusive look at Biden's list of potential SCOTUS nominees. Surprisingly, they're not all black women.
DISCLAIMER: The following list of names and comments are taken verbatim from Biden's list and do not reflect the views of The Babylon Bee.
Queen Latifa: She's black, female, and sassy! That's a win-win-win scenario.
Michelle Obama: Barack will kill me if I don't nominate her.
Rachel Dolezal: A woman who is also black.
Whoopi Goldberg: She was a nun. That'll help me look Catholic! Actually - maybe we can just replace the whole court with The View. Gotta' ask Jill.
Aunt Jemima: I can't believe they fired that poor woman. The Pearl Mining Company just wants to keep her in chains!
Mrs. Butterworth: She's probably black. I can't tell.
Peter Dinklage: He could use a boost.
Xi Jinping: We already have a good working relationship.
Greta Thunberg: Our court would be well served by this infallible child of light. She's black, right?
Hunter Biden: He should fit right in. This may be the easiest nominee to push through. Gotta' tell Jill.
Donald Trump: The only way to keep him from running for President.
Vladimir Putin: The only way to keep him from invading Ukraine.
Kamala Harris: The only way to keep her from killing me. Plus, she's black! (Editor's Note: The word 'black' was circled three times)
Noticeably absent from the list is former Obama appointee, Merrick Garland. Sources confirm he doesn't tick any intersectional boxes which makes him a major liability.
NOT SATIRE: The Media Research Center is going to war with Fake News! We CANNOT allow CNN to pick the next Supreme Court Justice.
The MRC is the ONLY conservative organization dedicated to holding the media accountable and exposing the truth.
My goal is to raise $2,500 ASAP to expose the media's coverage on the Supreme Court. I am counting on your help.
Thank you,
Brent Bozell
Founder and President
Media Research Center
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.