WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can't be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even where he is right now.
"I'm proud to be the first President in history to get one of them blacks on the Supreme Court," said Biden. "Clarance Thomas doesn't count. He's a bit too uppity for my taste."
Biden then saluted his framed portrait of Robert Byrd and took a nap.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.