PORTLAND, OR - Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
"How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?" asked Marcus Blaine. "Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!"
Sources say that Marcus often says that he's just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions - that he's just 'dancing to his DNA' - but recently he just can't seem to shake the idea that there's more to his existence.
"What if it's all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?" Marcus cried out. "I mean obviously we're just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then again, why has a single good thing happened in anyone's life - much less on a daily basis?"
Many of Marcus's friends have started to worry about him. They claim that he's not wearing his fedora anymore and he's started to say things like 'there's just way too much good in this world.' Several have said that it's hard to watch such a strong nonbeliever backslide like that, and even start attending church again.
At publishing time, Marcus had even started to acknowledge how preposterous it was to distinguish between right and wrong while still asserting there was no moral lawgiver.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
