This is a partial transcript of an interview of President Donald Trump by The Babylon Bee Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle.
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KYLE: "Today we have a very special guest: President Donald Trump. Would you like to say hello?"
TRUMP: "And who are you guys?"
KYLE: "We're The Babylon Bee. A satirical news site."
ETHAN: "We're like The Onion but Christian."
TRUMP: "So like The Onion but not funny."
KYLE: "No, we're funny. We had a really funny article recently. You know what I'm talking about, Ethan?"
ETHAN: "I'm looking for it."
KYLE: "Keep scrolling."
ETHAN: "I am scrolling."
KYLE: "Maybe it was a week or two ago. It was about youth pastors. It was pretty good. We'll find it later. Anyway, so Mr. Trump, you're like a president. What country are you president of?"
TRUMP: "The United States of America."
KYLE: "That's a pretty big one."
TRUMP: "It's the best country there is. And I am the best person in that country, which is why I'm president of it."
ETHAN: "Is it hard being a president?"
TRUMP: "Not for me because I'm really smart. People just bring me all their problems, and I just solve them right away. Boom! Taken care of. Plenty of time left over to watch TV. Everyone loves me."
KYLE: "You do seem pretty popular. I think I've seen your name mentioned a lot on Twitter."
ETHAN: "I thought I saw a news article that said you weren't doing good in the polls."
TRUMP: "What article?"
ETHAN: "I don't remember it exactly, but it was something like, 'President Trump: Polls Aren't Looking Good for Him.'"
TRUMP: "That's because the polls are skewed."
KYLE: "How do they skew them?"
TRUMP: "It's real simple. They go door to door and ask, 'Do you like President Trump?' Now, there are some losers and haters out there, and they'll say, 'I don't like Trump.' So the pollsters, they'll write that down. But most people will say, 'Yeah, I love Trump. He's the greatest president ever!' Then guess what happens?"
KYLE: "What happens?"
TRUMP: "The pollster pulls out a gun and shoots the guy in the face. Then he writes down, 'Couldn't answer the question because he's dead.'"
ETHAN: "That's not right."
TRUMP: "No. It isn't right. It's biased. But that's how they manipulate the polls. But everyone loves me. See this award I got? I got it from the President Rating Society. It says, 'Best Current U.S. President.'"
KYLE: "And that's a real award?"
TRUMP: "Of course it's real. It's very exclusive. A great award and a really neat trophy. I went to a pawn shop to see how much they'd give me for it. Know how much they said?"
ETHAN: "Why did you go to a pawn shop? Are you short on cash?"
TRUMP: "No. I'm very rich. I wasn't going to sell it. I figured that was just a quick way to find out how much it's worth."
KYLE: "Smart."
TRUMP: "Of course it's smart. That's why I'm president. Anyway, they said they'd give me $500 for it."
KYLE: "That's a lot."
TRUMP: "Yeah. So the point is, what are you going to trust? A skewed poll or a $500 award?"
ETHAN: "I guess the award."
TRUMP: "See, you get it."
KYLE: "Ethan, did we have any more questions?"
ETHAN: "I thought we did, but I can't find them. So... uh... President Trump, got any cool stories?"
TRUMP: "I once met Macaulay Culkin."
KYLE: "That's pretty cool."