QUANTICO, VA — Twitter's new CEO Elon Musk made headlines recently by revealing the FBI had paid Twitter to mass-censor conservative voices, serious allegations that followed layoffs which themselves have been described as worse than the Civil War and the Black Plague combined.
The silver lining to the Twitter debacle, however, is that ex-employee Zola Benedictine has already scored a new job continuing to work for the FBI.
"My new gig is so much like my old job at Twitter, it's insane," said Benedictine from her cubicle in the FBI's San Francisco office. "The pay is competitive, plus I get fun new job perks like infiltration training. Who knew infiltrating your own citizens would be so fulfilling?"
The former Twitter censor continued, "Don't get me wrong, the jobs are quite different. For example, rather than receiving daily emails from agent Elvis Chan asking me to censor no-name Americans for their harmless memes, he just pops into my cubicle with a list of no-name Americans to censor, spy on, and infiltrate."
At publishing time, Zola Benedictine had reportedly staged a walk-out to protest the severe lack of yoga rooms in the FBI building.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
