ANN ARBOR, MI — In the wake of police arresting University of Michigan's football coach Sherrone Moore, authorities have decided to go ahead and just arrest everyone else in Michigan, just to be safe.
"Literally everyone is committing a crime of some sort," said one Indiana resident in town to visit his family for the holidays. "My family even told me how they stole all the ingredients for Christmas dinner."
Statistically, Michigan's crime rate is 20% over the national average, meaning nearly every person is a criminal. Police officers have been issued orders to arrest anyone they see on sight, knowing there's a high probability they are, in fact, a criminal.
"Michigan is a blight on society and belongs behind bars," announced Police Commissioner Edward Carb. "Unfortunately, I have been told repeatedly by our governor that we cannot turn the entire state into some sort of futuristic prison where the inmates are forced to hunt each other down for sport for our own amusement; a Hunger Games, if you will."
He continued," So I've done the next best thing: ordering my officers to arrest as many people as they can."
According to sources, the state's prison facilities are severely ill-equipped to handle the population of the entire state. To account for this, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer made a deal with 49 other states, ensuring that every Michigan citizen will have a cell waiting for them — somewhere.
"Personally, I'm hoping for a nice Hawaiian prison cell," Whitmer said as she was cuffed and hauled away before a gaggle of reporters. "That's why, in solidarity with the police's 'No Tolerance For Michigan' campaign, I've volunteered to be among the first arrested."
"It was only a matter of time anyway."
At publishing time, Police Commissioner Edward Carb, in his final act, arrested himself. "You're going away for a long time, punk," he said, looking into a mirror.
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