TEHRAN — As the conflict in the Middle East stretched into a second week, the Iranian government issued a public statement boasting that it had destroyed hundreds of U.S. missiles with its buildings.
Despite losing dozens of members of its leadership, the embattled Ayatollah's regime remained defiant while taunting the world that it had successfully wiped out hundreds — if not thousands — of U.S. missiles, drones, and bombs by blocking them with buildings and military bases throughout the country.
"The wreckage of their bombs can be seen strewn throughout the rubble of our cities," new Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei said in a recorded address. "They thought that their missiles were formidable, but they completely disintegrate when they engulf our buildings in great explosions. When the smoke clears, you can see that the bombs are no more. When you look out across our leveled cities, unobstructed by any buildings, you can clearly see that there are no missiles in sight. Checkmate, America."
The regime also sang the praises of the former supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, along with the rest of its leadership council, for boldly destroying a barrage of U.S. missiles with their bodies when the conflict began. "The Great Satan claims superiority, but where are their missiles now?" asked a regime spokesman, Hossein Ahmadi, shortly before he triumphantly obliterated a U.S. bomb with his own body.
At publishing time, the Iranian government had also released a statement boasting that its navy had gone to the bottom of the sea to avoid detection.
The Iranian government has officially announced a new Supreme Leader.
