WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Justice announced they have found zero evidence of bribery in a photograph of Hunter Biden carrying a bag of cash next to President Biden holding a sign that reads, "Will Trade Political Favors 4 Cash."
"Welp, no trace of bribery here," said Attorney General Merrick Garland, ripping up the photo. "Total nothing-burger."
The Department of Justice promised to review the photograph for any possible evidence of bribery after a whistle-blower made the image public. "We really looked it over, but I just can't find anything suspicious about Biden holding a sign that offers to accept bribes," said FBI Agent Ron Daniels. "There is simply nothing incriminating about Hunter standing next to him with a giant bag of cash. I don't know what people expect us to do with this."
The White House assured the American public that the judiciary remained politically neutral, and would show no bias towards the President's son. "Attorney General Garland met up with Hunter for a nice steak dinner right after Hunter's plea deal to reiterate the DOJ's impartiality," said Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "While several sources reported that Hunter offered Mr. Garland some crack cocaine as a thank-you, we have been assured by the DOJ that no crime was committed at the dinner. With that said, all questions, as always, can be referred to someone else."
At publishing time, the IRS had reviewed Hunter's deduction of prostitute payments from his taxes, and determined there was "no sign of any tax fraud whatsoever."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
