U.S. — After scanning thousands of photographs and cross-referencing facial features with political affiliation, researchers have discovered a bizarre connection between being liberal and have enormous, googly eyes.
"Why? Why do they all look so insane?," wondered lead researcher Dr. Michael Zorn. "Man, those are googly eyes. These pictures are going to keep me up at night."
According to sources on the team, the shocking connection became immediately apparent as soon as they began reviewing pictures of liberals. "I honestly screamed when I flipped over the first picture and saw Hillary's psycho eyes," said assistant Jamie Reynolds. "I flipped to the next picture and screamed again — it looked like Schiff's eyes were bulging off the page. Next was the AOC picture, which I still can't believe is real. We had obviously found something."
While other facial features showed no association with any political leaning, possessing crazy eyes demonstrated a consistent, strong correlation with being liberal. "The connection is undeniable," reported Dr. Zorn. "Still, we can only speculate as to which comes first, having the googly eyes or becoming liberal. It's a real mystery."
At publishing time, the team had decided to do something far more important for society, like determine if conservative women are hotter than liberal women.
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