SYRIA — Newly discovered texts from ancient Mesopotamia revealed a Levitical law that any woman who shops at Target will be deemed ritually unclean for a period of seven days.

"The woman who has crossed the threshold of Target must confess her sin, proclaim her shame publicly for seven days, and wash in the river," said Old Testament scholar Dr. Russell Berenson. "Then, she may put her yoga pants back on and rejoin her family."

The Levitical law further states that like lepers, women who have shopped at Target must shout "Unclean!" whenever someone comes within one hundred feet. "It's much easier to tell now when my wife went on a Target run," said local man Dennis Rogers. "I used to have to drag it out of her, or dig a receipt out of the trash. Now she comes home shouting 'unclean' and sets up a tent in the backyard. It's a helpful clue for me to check the credit card."

Despite objections from some women, scholars say the Levitical rule makes no exceptions for curbside or online orders. "There is no skirting the law just to get a Magnolia candle," said Dr. Berenson. "Any form of contact with the monstrosity of unholiness known as Target counts. To be clear, going to Target makes men unclean as well, but that's always been the case."

Theologians also recommended showering after shopping at Walmart, but just for sanitary reasons.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.