PHOENIX, AZ — After being swept by the Diamondbacks in humiliating fashion, the Los Angeles Dodgers were left wondering if perhaps they ought to have spent more time practicing baseball and less time honoring Satanic nuns dressed in drag.
During the offseason, Dodgers management will be looking at what went wrong in yet another disappointing postseason, and everything will be under the microscope: whether they should have acquired better starting pitching at the trade deadline, why the bats went cold in October, and whether perhaps promoting heretical Satan worship in front of families at Dodger Stadium this year caused the wrath of God to fall upon them.
"Maybe we should have spent more time training our starting pitchers not to give up 4 bombs in an inning and less time honoring Satan," said Manager Dave Roberts in a somber postgame press conference at Chase Field. He shook his head and shrugged. "But that's the benefit of hindsight, I guess."
"What was your approach to this series, and what went wrong?" asked one reporter.
"Yeah, uh, right - our main strategy for the year was to, you know, worship Satan and honor perverted drag queen nuns," Roberts said. "It didn't end up paying off, you know, but we stand by our strategy. As the old saying goes, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes you get swept by the 84-win Diamondbacks after you honor blasphemous drag queens who spit upon the Catholic faith."
"That's just baseball."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
