WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions escalate in the Middle East following the deadly terrorist attacks by Hamas on Israel, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham sought to resolve the conflict and restore peace to the region by calling for the United States to begin bombing every country in the world.
"It's the only solution," Graham said to reporters while advocating for even more hostilities. "If we want to restore peace throughout the world, the only realistic answer is to lay waste to every single nation around the globe."
"What about nations that have no involvement in the conflict?" asked reporter Michael Fuller.
"They're all involved," Graham answered. "Bomb ‘em all. Gone. All of ‘em. Bombs, bombs, bombs. Burn it all down, baby!"
"What about Paris?" Fuller asked.
"Have you seen the demographics of their population?" Graham responded. "Bomb ‘em."
"Montreal?" Fuller pressed.
"Make it a parking lot," Graham said resolutely.
"Tokyo?" Fuller asked, finally.
"Glass the place," Graham answered.
When asked what he expected to be the result of so much widespread bombing, Graham was indifferent. "They'll all know who's boss," he said. "Nothing will stabilize the entire world and ensure the safety of the American people like making every single country in the world hate the United States. On top of all that, some of us will also make massive amounts of money, so I'm very much in favor of this idea."
At publishing time, Graham had reportedly already made a series of phone calls to the Pentagon to inquire about how many "gigantic nukes" the U.S. currently has on hand.
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